E3 2018: A Prick’s Wishlist

E3 is where publishers go to show off their upcoming games and Bethesda goes to not announce The Elder Scrolls VI. This year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo is right around the corner, so gamers around the Earth (myself included) are eagerly awaiting the official announcements of all the games that will leak between now and then. It’s the one time a year where I boldly sit and watch the stream at work without even feigning productivity. Sorry, boss. That presentation is gonna have to wait. I’m watching Reggie Fils Aime become another meme. And like he said in that classic moment, my body is ready.

I’m sure this year’s expo will get me excited about various upcoming games, but there are still some unannounced things I’d be extra-delighted to see.

Super Mario Maker (Nintendo Switch)

mario maker

Nintendo released a fantastic game a few years ago that allowed players to create pretty much any classic-style Mario game they could imagine and apply whatever aesthetic they wanted. You want to make a Super Mario Brothers-esque course where you can collect coins that spell out “nipple?” Go for it. Want to use a pile of seventy-two goombas as a trampoline in modern graphics? Have a blast!

The problem with this game is that it was released on the Wii U. To say that console wasn’t Nintendo’s best would be a massive understatement. I’m pretty sure the console I own makes up for at least ten percent of its total profits. Most people didn’t even know it existed. I know Nintendo is currently making Switch versions of all the great Wii U games in the hopes that people will actually get to play them. Hell, I traded in three games for that doomed console over the weekend and put the credit towards those exact three games on the Switch.

So please, Nintendo. You’ve given us so many gems from that console already. Please add this to the list.

Borderlands 3

borderlands

If you aren’t excited for the sequel to a game with dialogue that includes the phrase “boner farts” then I don’t want to be friends with you.

Borderlands 2 is one of the best games I have played, and hands-down the funniest. It’s got some addicting gameplay and manages to make all six of its playable characters incredibly unique and customizable. In addition to that, it’s bursting with content. If the New Game+ modes and secret bosses of the base game aren’t enough, you could always try out the four major expansions or the holiday-themed minor ones (one of which is a St. Patrick’s Day, Romeo and Juliet, redneck-themed mashup). And there is a quest to oblige a psycho who desperately wants to be shot in the face, so there’s that.

Anyway, it’s been quite a while since BL2 release, so we are about due for a third entry. Though it hasn’t been officially announced, it’s been teased plenty of times. Please announce this game, Gearbox.

Starfield

starfield

Considering all we have are rumors at this point, there is no imagery for this game. So enjoy a picture of a bunch of stars.

Lots o’ folks, myself included, were hoping this would be announced by Bethesda last year, but the press conference ended without so much as a tease. The developers have said that they are working on two unannounced games in the vein of Fallout and Skyrim, and this is rumored to be one of them. I don’t know about you, but the idea of a huge space-themed Bethesda game with multiple planets sounds incredibly sexy.

Like No Man’s Sky. But good.

Dragon Age 4

dragonage

Dragon Age fans are like Star Wars fans. They love the original and hate pretty much everything that followed. Fortunately, I’m part of the crowd that has had a blast with all three titles in the series. It’s one of the most in-depth fantasy worlds in modern gaming, and there is an ass-ton of lore to draw from for a sequel.

I know BioWare’s current priority is Anthem, but a tease for this game would just be delightful. But please don’t include Sera. Dorian can stay.

Splinter Cell

splinter cell.jpg

Sam Fisher has been ignored for the entirety of this console generation so far. His last outing, Splinter Cell: Blacklist, was a criminally underrated game that brought the series back to its roots. That was five years ago. I think we are about due for another.

Fortunately, this one is looking likely. Sam Fisher was recently added as an NPC in Ghost Recon Wildlands, ending that mission by being called away on another top-secret op. The best part? He was voiced by a returning Michael Fucking Ironside (not his real middle name, sadly). And since retailers love to ruin surprises, Walmart briefly listed a new Splinter Cell entry on their website.

Rocksteady’s Next Game

rocksteady

After releasing three stellar Batman games (fuck you, Arkham Knight was amazing and I loved the Batmobile), developer Rocksteady has said that they are moving on to a different property. With the gorgeous visuals, great stories, and tight combat of the Arkham series, I’m hopeful whatever they do next will be just as good or better. Considering their most recent game was released in 2015, it’s about time we at least get a teaser.

What if their next game is Superman? It’ll be tough to top Superman 64, but they may just be able to pull it off.

Halo 6

halo

Say what you want about Halo 5, but I think it’s a pretty awesome game. True, the campaign may have been a little lacking in story, but I think what it sets up for the next game is something epic. After that cliffhanger that wasn’t quite as infuriating as Halo 2’s, I can’t wait to have a showdown with Evil Cortana (shut up, it’s been out for three years). Aside from Cortana, I am legitimately intrigued to see how humanity manages to fight back against the AI rebellion.

Oh, and Halo 5 had multiplayer. Really good multiplayer. It was arguably the best since Halo 2. Since no game in the series has had bad MP, that’s saying a lot.

Considering Halo has historically had a three year development cycle for the main series games, I’m hoping we will see this on Microsoft’s stage next weekend.

Elder Scrolls VI

elder scrolls

Hah!

 

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